we make it up as we go along,

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 15:35:00 GMT

this week i feel that i can never be forgiven enough to wipe the slate clean.

what happens when you stay home to do an assignment.

Fri, 19 Jun 2009 11:06:09 GMT

it dawned upon me that my kid sister will always be my kid sister when she had to become my guinea pig in testing out powerpoint presentations for lower primary kiddos. teehee.

my sister will also have to guzzle chicken stew for the weekend after i cooked a whole pot in an over-enthusiastic fit, brought on by the yummos chicken stew i had with mark the day before. the chef's stew was green though, and mine is vaguely orange.

mmmpf nonetheless.

stupid sedentary singapore.

Fri, 12 Jun 2009 15:53:01 GMT

maybe i will be skinny in my sleep.

on sex ed-

Wed, 10 Jun 2009 15:30:51 GMT

you know you have been working too much on your sexuality education package when:
a) your colleagues spew sexual terms without batting an eyelid
b) your colleagues start to have freudian slips
c) your boyfriend is thinking of changing his msn nick to something along the lines of "15 june please come faster so we won't all be so sex-crazed"
d) your friends start msging you and telling you to get that crap out of your head

SOON SOON SOON!

in thoughts of.

Sat, 30 May 2009 18:03:12 GMT

i want to return before they knock my dear apartment down. i want to return to catch the world climbing championships this year. and i want to return before everyone leaves.

i miss xining.

take off.

Thu, 21 May 2009 05:17:04 GMT

love is a place
& through this place of
love move
(with brightness of peace)
all places

yes is a world
& in this world of
yes live
(skilfully curled)
all worlds

love is a place, e.e. cummings

today my heart is empty and i cannot pretend that i am strong enough for the both of us. these days i read poetry to stop, and remember, when my heart was full.

flops bunny ears.

Mon, 11 May 2009 08:03:26 GMT

note to self: please post esther goh kai jia's letter asap /._.\

just for now,

Tue, 07 Apr 2009 13:10:56 GMT

worn and weary, and school hasn't even started. i'm stretched raw trying to manage the intricacies of work and the very nasty word called Expectation.

learning the ways of affirmation.

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 14:30:45 GMT

i like being thankful these days, and being able to express my thankfulness.

overkill.

Thu, 26 Feb 2009 16:13:07 GMT

i suppose anything at all would be a miracle in itself. little girl, the world is evil.

micah 6:8

Wed, 25 Feb 2009 19:28:14 GMT

this is three thirty am and this is madness; whatever possessed me to go for both in a day? You know my heart and my desires, may Your light shine above all my hopes and dreams and fears.

"and what does the Lord require of you? to act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."

above all, i am excited (:

tumbledown town.

Wed, 18 Feb 2009 16:05:03 GMT

these days are lost and hazy; ebbing resolve and wanton sloth. i hold sunlight with joy and then discard it in fear. what really, is forever?

foiled.

Thu, 05 Feb 2009 02:37:53 GMT

so i finally gathered up all my _____ (insert whatever heroic statement) and chucked away my lethargy to get up and go running. i ran barely half a round before all the clouds decided to let loose and drench me. and it hasn't rained since i've been back.

of all times to rain.

maybe i will try, but-

Tue, 03 Feb 2009 16:45:19 GMT

this dear old place doesn't quite fit anymore; i'm in between, lost and lonely with nowhere to ink my life on.

repeat and rewind;

Mon, 02 Feb 2009 13:15:58 GMT

ask me; please don't make assumptions about my behaviour.

for the want of:

Thu, 21 Aug 2008 17:25:50 GMT

a day to amble around, hands and hearts intertwined.

post-helium and secondary school pop tunes.

Sat, 26 Jul 2008 19:06:23 GMT

i don't know how people work, and work, and there is no end to work. i also don't know how people stay together and marry. or how people tread the fine line between self-agency and being unreasonably demanding.

i still don't know many things, but i had a fun time at a 21st earlier on bopping along to old school boybands and badly sung love songs, being transported to girl in blue days- of school talent contests, farewells from all over, class competitions, campfires and such.

scattered old songs and myriad different memories; i love how music draws people together. like how this guest at the hostel happily exclaimed to me that those were her friends on my itunes singing their hearts out (union of knives, sc's mixtape). i also remember how another guest crazily bopped alongside miah and i, who were bundling bedsheets, to the infectious beat of the arctic monkeys.

i have insane images of the few of us at the party looking like druggies, huffing out of balloons, desperately high on helium. there are not many things to feel after being annoyed to the point of tears but i will not forget the joy that comes with the breaking of dawn.

love and faith.

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 17:01:17 GMT

i think i get what it means to be tempted and swayed. of charms and maybes- this elusive thing called chemistry people spend their lives hankering after.

perhaps it was waiting to be roused, but there is this somewhat new understanding of why You speak of love, of faith, of the commandment to have no other.

in a ramble before work.

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 06:00:18 GMT

making a trip down to the china embassy somehow cements the fact that i truly, truly am leaving. there are so many things i want to do and collage memories of before i go, but i am reminded that it is only four months.

and then what? this big white expanse of the future that is inchoate, all shapeless and thrilling.

i can't wait to leave, somewhat.

the flipside of work.

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 10:42:09 GMT

i miss long leisurely walks, random bus rides to unknown corners of the island and unhurried conversations. two more months.

feeling intermittently quiet-sob like; the pms, or perhaps that unresolved work issue, or maybe just my insatiable appetite for constancy is getting to me. i think most of all i want to be heard and get past this fumbling new season of life that we all are in.

i feel like peter before the rooster crowed thrice; i think i shall go to sleep.

Sun, 29 Jun 2008 12:28:40 GMT

patience (:

the littlest things that take me there.

Fri, 20 Jun 2008 18:01:53 GMT

so i helped a guest to bleach his shirt because he bloodied it whilst shaving- he said his nose was too large (!!!). there are now pink spots on my shorts surreptitiously covered up with black marker.

he made us wash just that shirt and his underwear, but specifed to only put the underwear in the dryer. i already had giggly fits imagining the sad lonely underwear spinning around when wt realised that she put it in without washing.

i have come to particularly like doing the inspection of beds after checkout- i have to switch off the airconditioner you see, and then hear big grown (some rather fetching) men whining in their sleep drenched state to please switch it back on. i poke them in glee and prance back out.

i also (not so secretly) heart the traumatised faces of first time durian eaters and bubble tea drinkers :x

things like these, amongst playing with patches and pete and the little black kitten (who thinks that everything is a moving target and thus ought to be pounced upon) over at the indian courier store make work fun- over and above that psych offer.

work being fun is however scant consolation for feeling like a caged bird these days. i'm having transitory blues and i wish i could take up the boss at the courier's offer to bring the black kitty home.

i haven't seen patches for days.

Thu, 12 Jun 2008 13:05:09 GMT

i am incredibly bored with three days of mc. nothing else remotely interesting apart from rescuing euan junior and borrowing wy's brilliant idea to go to uhwc for medicine-

"you've graduated!" says the receptionist. "ah, you just graduated", echoes the doctor. "oh you've graduated already", sighs the pharmacist.

it pretty much felt as though i wasn't supposed to be there but they waived consulting charges till july anyway, and paying 6 dollars makes my pocket happy.

not so randomly, i was at the chinese embassy site to check for visa fees and stumbled upon articles explaining china's stance against tibet- stuff about feudal serfdom and theocracy. apart from the vilification of the dalai lama, i was actually momentarily taken in by the article. talk about the power of persuasion and the need to be adequately informed.

i get to see patches tomorrow, meow! and i've been having a little chuckle at the bf's encounters with the strange combination that is shopping and him. tee hee :x

words in between a chinese drama (meep) break

Sat, 07 Jun 2008 17:02:30 GMT

i found kittycat in the wash, all sullen and bedraggled. i smiled in spite of its petulant face.

this yearning to up and leave pervades my waking and sleep, it stares out of every corner i turn and i have taken a renewed fascination with the old drama serials i used to hoard. i think i dreamt of trains and bus stations, of spaces and places for the hundredth time last night.

oh china, please come quicker. i suppose whatever i am doing now is in good preparation and everything in His time but all i can do these days is count down feverishly. this perpetual wanderlust, ugh. for now i spend free moments perched on a bar stool at the inncrowd, devouring lonely planet china.

aside, i am starting to increasingly hate capitalism because every possible "maybe this can help the food/ oil/ inflation crisis" thought that forms in my mind gets stymied because of the dang need to maintain demand and supply, reap in profits and all that keep the country competitive jazz. yah money makes the world go round, pfft. i wish i had invested more time in econs now.

everytime i read through my old entries it gets me down, just because. i didn't dare write for a long while, and even now i find trouble. i loved writing, the joy of piecing words together like a puzzle, of poignant phrases and gripping sentences. attriste, i've let attriste take over everything- this silent sadness that manifests itself in glorious words. i think mark was right, not in the i-am-mopey-shit sense but in the way i chose to project myself, to let my words speak and master me instead. it still saddens me because his words ring in my head and pierced the very depths of what i loved, but i think i might be slowly getting over it.

i try to write here in happier times now but somehow the words don't quite flow, all whimsy and flaky. it will get better- it must, as i speak of Your work in my life- everything else but sadness. i'll make it up as i go along, as always.

those drama songs of old stir up my fourteen year old memories as my sister heaves a clara-is-a-loser sigh in contrast to her uber cool gta rampage.

thankful.

Fri, 06 Jun 2008 17:59:22 GMT

i lost the kittycat clip mark gave me, meh.

work at the inncrowd's been awesome and i'm really in awe of how my ducks are all lining up. choo choo, the train's chugging along.